


it hurts (but it's okay)

by hereforthehurts



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: (yes again), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Febuwhump, Flashbacks, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post Season 5, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Whump, catra gets a panic attack, catradora, febuhuwmp day 1, no beta we die like that bitch shadow weaver, writing this scenario for the 489549587th time i know i know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29132547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthehurts/pseuds/hereforthehurts
Summary: “Your hair’s getting longer again.”Catra laughs softly, absently running her fingers over her hair, shoulder length hair. She sees Adora’s reflection in the mirror, the warm afternoon light pouring from the window beside her, bathing her in its golden light. “Huh, I guess it is.”Adora walks over to her seat. “Are you going to cut it again?”She thinks about it for a while.(She doesn't know.)
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 129





	it hurts (but it's okay)

**Author's Note:**

> for febuhump day 1: mind control. Whoooh finally participating in a writing month challenge again !!! (which is the only way i'd be motivated enough to get writing whjhjfghjk)
> 
> enjoy !!

“Your hair’s getting longer again.”  
  
  
Catra laughs softly, absently running her fingers over her hair, shoulder length hair. She sees Adora’s reflection in the mirror, the warm afternoon light pouring from the window beside her, bathing her in its golden light. “Huh, I guess it is.”  
  
Adora walks over to her seat. “Are you going to cut it again?”  
  
  
She thinks about it for a while.  
  
  
  
Catra always had Adora cut her hair off after the whole thing with Horde Prime came down, to keep it short. Adora never knew why, but she’s never asked her that, either. And to be completely honest, it was probably good that Adora never does.  
  
  
Because to be honest, Catra doesn’t know why, either.  
  
  
  
Maybe it was because of the fact that she changed for the better after her hair was cut. Or maybe it was because that she just felt lighter with her hair short, or maybe she just simply liked the haircut—she doesn’t know why, exactly.  
  
  
But again, does she ever know anything?  
  
  
  
“I…” Catra stares at the mirror in front of her. “I don’t know.”  
  
“Really? That’s new,” Adora raised her eyebrows, settling her chin above Catra’s head while her arms wrap around her shoulders. “Do you... me to try on a couple of hair styles on you before you decide?”  
  
She shrugs her shoulder and smiles. “That sounds fun.”  
  
The blonde beams and practically jumps from her place. “Okay, cool! I’ll get a hairbrush, and uh—some hair ties, and clips... I’ll be right back!”  
  
“Don’t overexcite yourself!” Catra laughs, calling after her. Adora leaves the room before she could finish her sentence, probably to raid Glimmer’s room.  
  
  
  
She stares at the mirror again for a while, fumbling around with her own hair while she rests her elbows on the dresser. Adora loved playing with her hair. It’s been a thing between them for a while, now. She’d twirl and caress her hair when they laid in bed, or hugging, or even in public. Catra doesn’t mind any of it, but she couldn’t help being self-conscious when Adora does it in front of everyone.  
  
_“I used to be like that, too, when I first got out of the Horde,”_ she had reassured her softly. _“You’ll be fine, Catra.”  
  
_

And Catra knows she will. She just doesn’t know _when_.  
  
  
  
  
She sighs, running her fingers over locks of her dark auburn hair in frustration. _It’s been years, Catra,_ she keeps telling herself.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yet she couldn’t seem to be more in control of herself than she had been all those years ago.  
  
  
  
Catra grips on a handful of her hair and held it back, just as Adora had done to her when she got her first flu. She finds it comforting, to hold it like that. It felt like someone always had her back. And she knows that Adora _does_ have her back, it’s just that she’s… so distant from her. Like there’s a barrier between her and Adora that she just couldn’t get rid of, that she just couldn’t break no matter how hard she tries. Even when the girl was right in front of her.  
  
  
It’s frustrating. And _still_ , Catra couldn’t seem figure out what was wrong with her.  
  
  
  


  
_It’s been years.  
  
  
  
_She sighs. _Yeah. It’s been years._  
  
  
  
Maybe it’s really time to visit those healers in Plumeria again. They seem to know what they’re doing, even when it freaks her out most of the time. Between the plant-filled room and the meditation sessions and the smells of a thousand herbs that made her nose itch, they still helped her in some unthinkable way. She had only quit because of the flashbacks that would plague her mind once she starts meditating.

  
  
At one point, it had just become _too much.  
_  
  
_It hurts,_ she remembers the healers say, _but it’s okay._  
  
And Catra was too scared to believe them.  
  
  
_It hurts, but it’s okay._  
  
  
She exhales shakily, pressing her forehead on the cool wooden dresser table. _Yeah, maybe she really should._  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When Catra looks up from her place, her eyes were glowing green on the mirror.  
  
  
  
  
  


_What?_  
  
  
Catra shook her head and staggers back, trying to check if she had seen that right.  
  
  
She did.  
  
  
_No, no no no no. It’s—it’s not real, not real, you’re safe—_ she kept staggering back, trying to get away from the mirror, from herself— _this isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real—_  
  
  
  
  
The half-empty glass on the dresser fills with bright, green fluid—the ones from her dreams, the ones from her memories. She’s seen pools of it, she remembers drowning in one, suffocating in one, and _no no no it’s not real, it isn’t real, it’s over and I’m safe, I’m safe I’m safe I’m safe  
  
  
_“ADORA!” Catra yells out, feeling the chair slip from her, falling backwards onto the floor. “ _ADORA!”  
  
  
_Something stings the back of her neck, searing pain spreading through her veins. She claws for it, trying to get it off, desperate to not let her mind be taken away from her again, struggling to understand what was going on as panic settles in her tight chest.  
  
  
  
  
_This isn’t real._

 _  
Is it, Catra?  
  
  
This ISN’T real. It’s all in my head.  
  
  
You’re right. It’s all in your head. Everything is. _  
  
  
_No. No it’s not, it’s been years, Adora was here with me— “ADORA!”_ the screams barely made it past her own mouth, her throat closing up in response to the panic. Catra shuts her eyes closed and presses her palms onto her face, scared of what will happen if she opens them again.  
  
  
Maybe she’ll see Prime sitting on his throne, the void of space all around them.  
  
  
Maybe she’ll see him laugh. Maybe she’ll finally realize that all those years were her own hallucination, a cruel torture he made for her.  
  
And maybe, Adora won’t be coming for her after all. Why would she?  
  
  
  
Tears pools on her palm.  
  
  
  
  
“Catra, Catra Catra, shit— _hey,_ I’m here—”  
  
  
  
  
  
A pair of arms wrap tightly around her. “Catra, look at me I’m here, what happened? What—”  
  
  
  
_It’s not real,_ Catra finds herself murmur. _It’s not real.  
_  
  
“What—what’s not real? I’m right here, Catra. I’m here, open your eyes, look at me—” A hand caresses the side of her cheek, “Catra, look at me. I’m here. Look.”  
  
  
  
A pair of bright, blue eyes met hers when Catra finally dares herself to open her eyes.  
  
  
  
“See? It’s me, Catra. Breathe,” Adora rubs her hand on her shoulder blades gently. “Breathe. You’re okay.”  
  
  
A strangled gasp escaped her chest, and she threw her own arms around Adora, squeezing her tightly. Hot tears streams down her face.  
  
  
  
She buries her face on Adora’s shoulder and sobs out the remaining pain in her chest.  
  
  
“It’s okay,” Adora shushes softly, her hand silently reaching for her hair and combs it back repeatedly. “What—did… did something happen?”  
  
Catra shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”  
  
“Okay. That’s—that’s okay. Let’s just…” she gently presses her lips onto her forehead. “We can stay like this for as long as you want, okay? I’m not letting you go.”  
  
“Promise?” Catra finds herself whisper.  
  
  
“I promise. I _promise._ ”  
  
  
  
  
Catra nods and buries herself deeper into her.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
It took her a good few hours until she finally finds herself away from Adora’s arms, exhaling shaky breaths after another as Adora brushes the knots at the end of her hair.  
  
“Oh, look, this is also nice,” She suddenly says, gathering some of her hair and held it back. “Looks fancy.”  
  
“Too fancy,” Catra huffs out a small laugh.  
  
Adora raises her eyebrows. “No?”  
  
She inhales yet another shaky breath. “I don’t… don’t know, Adora. I just. I don’t know.”  
  
“Hey, _hey,”_ the blonde moves over and sits on the seat in front of her, squeezing her shoulders gently. “Don’t stress over it, it’s just your hair. No pressure, no rush.”  
  
“I know,” Catra rubs her eyes with the heels of her palm. Her chest tightens once again, along with the thick pain in the end of her throat. “I just—I feel like,” she gasps as the tears finally spills from the corner of her eyes yet again, “I can never be in control anymore. Not after…”  
  
  
  
Adora doesn’t say anything. Instead, her hand rubs up and down her arm, soothing her.  
  
  
“I don’t… I don’t know what I want.”  
  
She feels Adora inching closer, combing the sides of her hair again. She rests her head against her chest.  
  
“Hey,” Adora spoke up. “Remember… what the healers in Plumeria used to tell you to say to yourself while you’re meditating? I feel like I still remember some of that. I think it’s… ‘ _my mind is mine and no one else’s’_ or something like that?”  
  
“Yeah,” Catra shrugs. “And also… _‘it hurts, but it’s going to be okay’._ ”  
  
“Yeah, I remember. Catra, look,” Adora pulls away from her and held both her shoulders tightly. “Your mind is yours. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but… it is. Your thoughts, your feelings, they’re all yours. _You_ get to decide what you want. Not Prime, not the Horde, _you._ What do _you_ want, Catra?”  
  
“I…”  
  
  
She feels Adora’s index twirling on her hair again, smoothing the stubborn knots on the ends. She thinks about how much the other girl loved playing with her hair, and how unexplainable, childish happiness spreads on her chest every time she sees her hair growing longer in the mirror. How she had felt more and more like herself the more her hair gets longer.  
  
“I think,” Catra says carefully, “I’m going to let my hair grow longer. As long as I would like.”  
  
She stares back at Adora’s face, and her eyes, so proud and full of love. How a person can hold so much love inside them, Catra didn’t know. But again, maybe she doesn’t need to. Maybe she just needed to feel it.  
  
“And… I’d like to see the healers in Plumeria again. And let you mess around with my hair, and braid it, and cut it when I feel like it, and, maybe—maybe, I’ll finally feel like my life is mine again.”  
  
“You don’t have to know it all right now, you know. Take your time.” Adora cups her cheek with her palm. “And whatever you want, I’ll be here. I always will. You know that, right?”  
  
“Yeah. Of course I do.” Catra leans into her touch. “After all, I’ve always loved you, you know—even when a crazy intergalactic tyrant is controlling my mind.”  
  
Adora laughs softly. “Wow, you sap.”  
  
“Hey, I learnt that from you.”  
  
“ _And_ Bow and Glimmer.”

  
Catra rolls her eyes. “Ugh, _especially_ Bow and Glimmer.”  
  
Their laughs subsides, and they fell into a tranquil moment of silence once again.  
  
  
“Hey. We’ll be alright. You know that too, right?” Adora asks.  
  
Catra answers it without a doubt. “Yeah, I know.”   
  
  
Of course she does.  
  
  
As long as Adora was by her side—maybe she always had been alright, after all.

_  
  
  
_

**Author's Note:**

> try to count how many times the line "it hurts but it's okay" had been used in my fics lmfao . i love that line so much .. . man
> 
> [my tumblr blog!!](https://hereforthehurts.tumblr.com/)


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